The world needs to know

------- No one really understands. No one knows what it is like to not know what you are feeling or why you feel that way. One moment you are laughing with friends having the time of your life, then suddenly it hits you. The pain of it all everything hits you. Mid laugh you stop and nothing is funny after that.

          Others voices become the most annoying sound in the world and isolation seems like heaven compared to the group of friends who always seemed to cheer you up and keep you company. You aren't sad but you aren't happy. You don't feel anything in fact, you would give the world to feel something in those moments whether it be pain or even just to cry and feel sad or to suddenly jolt back to happiness again.

          You try for hours to feel something but nothing ever works. When the feeling of emptiness finally subsides, you start to feel guilty for all the ways you tried to kill the emptiness. You regret everything you did in those past hours wondering why you didn't have enough self control to just wait it out. You become furious , you lash out. Everyone irritates you and everyone somehow to blame. You yell & cry and cuss and everyone you love becomes a victim to this.

------- The crazy part about all of this is that you don't even know why you were sad to begin with and don't even know why you are angry. Then suddenly the third and final monster takes over. The worry is too much to handle. You overthink everything. Suddenly everyone hates you and nothing you could ever say will change that.

         You become known for always saying sorry even when you are repeatedly told that "it's okay". You begin shaking and you feel uneasy. Sleep is out of the question and don't even get me started on trying to socialize. Crowds become your worst enemy and standing alone makes your heart beat faster. Faster. So fast in fact that the world starts to spin. You lose control of what is happening. 

No comments: